During our discussion I have come to realize that as adoptive parents we put entirely too much pressure upon ourselves. If we get irritated with our adoptive children then we feel guilty...but if I get irritated at my biological children that isn't an issue. If I think "what have I done" then I am a horrible mother even though I remember distinctly thinking that when my biological children were young. We feel that we worked so hard, waited so long, prayed so much for this new child, that we should just savor every second, every minute, every hour! And when we dont...guilt, guilt and more guilt sets in. Are we doing this right? Should I let him sleep with me? How is attachement going? Should I let him cry? How is he adjusting? What can I do, what can I fix, how can I try harder? All these things weigh heavy on my heart.
This post isn't to say that Sammy isnt doing well. Quite the opposite actually. He is doing great...but we are still learning each other. There is still a huge communication barrier. He was quite spoiled in the orphanage and we are working on those behaviors. He fits into our family very well and we cannot imagine life without him, but I am not the same mom I was 10 years ago. My patience is longer, but my desire for "Amy time" is stronger. I am not as selfless as I was with 3 young kids. I cannot do everything... and in all those things there is guilt...and pressure.
Maybe I am overthinking things...I am still jet lagged. Still napping every day (and yes feeling guilty about it) but I felt that it was important for others to know that everyones adoption story is not as perfect as it may seem. It is a process, an adjustment....just like giving birth to a newborn, but in different ways. I feel like I want to make it such a point to treat all my children the same...biological and adopted..but then stress when the less than stellar parts of my personality come shining through. I am human. I screw up. Pretty much alot of the time, but I just need to let go and be ok with that. God is still working on me, He is working on Sammy and every day it will be just a tiny bit easier... Day by day we will get there, I just need to stop putting so much pressure on my self and go back to doing what I love the most. Just being a Mom...even if I cant be perfect!
Sorry for all my rambling thoughts here...
Here are the pix that you really came for:-)
Blessings
Amy
3 little notes from friends:
Good for you. Thank you for posting this and getting it out. I think you are right on the money about the guilt factor. We all need to give ourselves and our adopted children a break! We're also still learning how to LOVE this new little person that just showed up. This is not always an easy task... I appreciate your honesty.
Be blessed,
Courtney
We loved having you guys over and Sammy is soooo cute. Paige really enjoyed playing with him:) His smile melts my heart!!
Amy, this is what I love about you...you tell it like it is and truly share your heart.
I am so glad that we could open up to each other and share those parts of our lives, because even one year later, I feel guilt for some of things I think or do or don't do. More guilt because we want it to be and look so perfect. More guilt related to our adopted vs biological. More guilt when one child drains time away from others.
I don't think I will ever be fully content with myself as a mother...I am my own worst critic! Just remember that the adjustment phase isn't in these first weeks or months, but is ongoing. It is a process for your child you've adopted, yourself, your biological children, your spouse and your extended family.
I think the best thing you can do is pray, share your feelings as you have done and laugh! Just know that you are not alone and each of us have been there in the "what have I done?" moments. Thank you for humbling yourself enough to share with me the other day, and to put it in writing for others. Even in good adoption processes, there are ugly parts, just as when you have bio kids, there are ugly parts. Hmmmm...if there weren't ugly parts, we wouldn't get to see all the pretty parts, right?!
Love you girl!!
thank you for posting this
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